It’s been a few years…

Published October 14, 2017 by Clarebear

Life has been so hectic! I now am a mummy to two gorgeous girls. When you have kids time just passes by so quickly!

They are two crazy girls with such character. Bethan is now 3.5 and Seren has just turned 2. I’m exhausted, stressed, happy and every other emotion rolled in to one. It’s hard work, but they bring me such joy! Life has changed so much.

We also moved and have a lovely little house but it’s got so much wrong with it, I can’t wait until it’s all fixed. I just want the place decorated how I want it, but that costs money and time which we do not have much of. Carl works 5/6 days a week and these two little ‘darlings’ constantly want my attention.

My asthma has been somewhat stable, I still require a lot of medication but haven’t had a hospital admission in so long! 5 years maybe? It’s been fab having such a reprieve from feeling so poorly but I wish I could say we haven’t been near a hospital. Unfortunately Bethan has developed asthma, one of my worst fears 😦 I thought they had both escaped it as they have been fine and a cold was just a cold. Around January this year Bethan started wheezing and coughing. I had hoped it was just a cold but she continued to cough every night and the next cold, hit hard, she was visibly having trouble, so off to the drs we went. He prescribed antibiotics and said yes she was indeed wheezing. I said to the Dr if she’s wheezing surely she needs salbutamol too, he had a grumble and prescribed it, I don’t think he liked being told what to do! You don’t mess with a mummy who knows her stuff 😉 anyhoo she continued coughing and getting really wheezy, especially on exercise. I found myself hovering at her bedroom door listening to her breathe exactly like my mum used to do 😂 is often wake up as a kid and my mum would be watching me. So the next cold hit and me and Carl sat in her bedroom watching her struggle, ringing 111 and deciding what to do. We waited so long for 111 to ring back, she got worse as she slept, so we made the decision to take her to A&E. It’s a good thing we didn’t hold out for 111 as she was poorlier than we thought. She was put straight on 02 and nebs. Carl had taken her in and was updating me through the night. Now we all know how my chest was never just simple, well Bethan being my child had to be just as awkward. The updates were getting worrying as she was wasn’t really responding to nebs and steroids, so in the morning I made my way up to the hospital. Carl text me while I was on route and said she was getting a cannula. My heart sank and I just thought nooooo not my baby! I had to be there. Anyway she seemed to pick up and then decline over the morning. It was decided she needed high flow 02. She was taken to the ward were she continued struggling and just slept. In the afternoon her sats dropped and heart rate increased. It was decided to give her some magnesium, I had told the drs about my history as they were worried about her lack of response and they were like ahhhh explains it 😂 I even told them I couldn’t have mag as it sends me into SVT so as a precaution they brought in the ecg machine! She responded to the magnesium and seemed to pick up a bit. I felt relieved so left her with my sister so I could go home to be with Seren. Carl was going to spend the night with Bethan. Well I wish I had stayed, she declined again over night and was given more magnesium and started on aminophylline. Talk about taking after her mummy! The next text I got had me in a right old panic and feeling very helpless. It was 1am and Seren was fast asleep next to me, I couldn’t just jump out of bed to be with her. They had called the nearest hospital with a peadiatric itu and had alerted the retrieval team (CATS). Ffs Bethan what the hell are you doing to me!!! As soon as Seren was awake we were at the hospital, thankfully the amino had kicked in and we were told she would be staying where she was for now. Phew. The next few days were uneventful, luckily, she improved over the next 3 days and was started on a preventer.

The consultant was around when I was a kid and remembered me 🙈 also the nurse looking after her was one of the best! She has been part of the ward for so many years and coincidentally we have been friends since I was a child causing trouble.

Since that episode any little sniffle I’ve been on red alert worrying. She’s had two further trips to A&E. The first time she was given magnesium and kept in for the night as she had low sats and the second time she just needed some nebs. I’m hoping so much that this winter is a quiet one 🤞. I have to say the after care has been appalling, she was supposed to be followed up at the hospital and an appointment never came.

So life plods on, Bethan has just started her second year of nursery and I’m counting down the days until Seren can join her 😂.

I might try updating a bit more regularly but it might be another few years you never know!



So so happy!

Published July 15, 2014 by Clarebear

Whoa I’ve neglected my blog! But I have a good excuse, this little monkey, who never stops smiling, is keeping me very busy! image

imageI’ll be back real soon, motherhood. Is awesome when you have such a happy bubba!😆😆😃😃

Update, update, update!!

Published October 11, 2013 by Clarebear

I’m sorry poor blog, for I have really neglected you a lot this year! Many things have changed, compared to this time last year, my life is totally different, in a good way of course 🙂

First things first, I never did complete my massage course, I regret it now. I hopefully will start working as a HCA real soon once the stupid hospital stop being so fussy! I’ve been waiting since my interview in May to start. I’ve had a weeks very intense training course and completed 3 days of shadow shift, but nooo that’s not good enough they want more! Sometimes I wish I applied to Basildon hospital where they just throw you on the wards but in some ways this is better as I’m fully prepared for whats ahead. The reason I’m getting mad at all this waiting is because I won’t have long left to work by the time I start, why I hear you ask? Well me and Carl are expecting a little baby 🙂 I’m currently 19 weeks and 2 days gone. To tell you it wasn’t a shock would be lying! I was completely and utterly dumbfounded when I did the test, so much so I ran out the flat crying. What me pregnant?!!! Noooo I can’t be, I never honestly thought I could actually get pregnant, what with all that my lungs and body have been through!

So yep I’m going to be a mummy :O Within a few days of finding out I was seeing dr yung, going through my meds to make sure nothing would effect the little life growing inside me. He said he doesn’t expect me to have any problems until I’m really big. So far things have been ok, the last few weeks I have been a lot more breathless but in any pregnancy that’s to be expected. I still didn’t belive I was having a baby until I saw it at my 12 week scan. I was shocked there is an actual baby in there, wriggling away. Wow just wow! Obviously with my medical history I am classed as high risk, I saw the obs consultant and he was lovely. So far things are going ok, I didn’t get any sickness just felt nauseous and hungry. I was very tired but my first lot of bloods showed I was anaemic, started some iron and they are improving. The tiredness is better but it’s still a hard job growing a baby! I’m not sure if I’m enjoying pregnancy or not, some days its ok but then the emotions hit, and poor Carl gets the brunt of them. Me screaming at him for no reason and then in tears. The anger is hard to deal with, it’s really hard to control, I feel like smashing everything in sight! So far all I’ve thrown is the Xbox controller lol. When the tears start they don’t stop easily! Emotionally I’m a lot better now. I just can’t wait to find out if it’s a pink or blue baby! Only 2 more weeks to wait. That’s one thing I’ve learnt, there’s a lot of waiting in pregnancy!

Carl now lives with me which has been another new thing to get used to. I’ve lived alone for over 8 years, I’ve got used to it now but it was hard at first. I enjoy it now obviously or he wouldn’t still be here 😛 I know I can be hard to live with, I like things done a particular way, I’m not always the most talkative person which can come across as me being grumpy lol. I still find it hard to think of it as our flat not just mine. Most weekends we have Carls little one, which is great fun 🙂

So lots of things to adjust to! I think I’ve done rather well and so has poor little Pippy. He’s still my baby boy and always will be! I don’t know how he will cope with baby but he will still get lots of cuddles.

Oooo one of my biggest achievements to date was in march, I climbed the highest mountain in the black mountains, waun fach, 811 metres (2,661 ft) 😀 I thought I was gonna die and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The weather conditions for a first timer were far from ideal and probably what made it twice as hard. Lots of snow and a snow storm once at the top! Brrrrr! At one point I kinda collapsed on to the ground and sobbed I couldn’t go on! It was torture! We walked along the top of it once on it but it was very icy and dangerous as we got nearer to the summit the snow was past our knees. Our original plan had been to go up one side, then walk along the top and down the other side and stay in a mountain bothy over night, with the weather the way it was that unfortunately didn’t happen. It took me so long that it started to get dark and a snow storm blew in, we wer;nt sure what was over the top of the mountain and it was getting very scary! We were all alone and at one point as I said I lost it. I would rather have died than go on! We had to turn back, it was very steep going down and I of course fell over lots of times. The next day I could hardly moved by was so glad to be alive! I know that sounds dramatic but it was really tough!

So that’s enough of my rambling for now 🙂


The things you shouldn’t have to hear your best friend say….

Published June 3, 2013 by Clarebear

”I’ve got 2 years left to live”
I’ve always known the day would come. It’s something you kinda put to the back of your mind. Kerry’s been deteriorating for a while, Its hard not to miss, I used to be the one walking slow, holding her arm, stopping to catch my breath, using the scooter round the shops. Now our roles have totally reversed. Obviously, as I’ve said before asthma and CF are entirely different diseases but some aspects are the same. To have your best friend slowly dying in front of you is so heartbreaking. I knew the T word would soon be mentioned. Over the last few years, you kind of adjust and adapt to the deterioration. Gone are the days we used to walk around the shops, with little effort. Now its a trip to Starbucks or some other place and a little walk round the shops if we are lucky. Then last year along came the oxygen, this was ok, rather heavy but I could cope with that. Kinda fun to be holding it and people try to walk between us and not realise we were tied together. Kerry’s been using her wheelchair for a while for longer trips but over the last few weeks I’ve taken her out in it twice, the first time wasnt so bad as she was quite well and we didn’t go far. Last week we went to town, it just broke my heart to be pushing my friend round the shops in a wheelchair and she was still visibly short of breath just sitting there. It’s not right she’s only 25! I really hate CF and what its done to her. So a few weeks ago when I got a text saying she had just had the talk about prognosis it just didn’t feel real. It can’t be true can it? I couldn’t possibly lose my best friend in the next few years? That’s not right surely? We’ve been friends for 15 years it’s not long enough! There’s still so much left we need to do…. I didn’t know how to take it at first, I needed to be brave as kerry would be coming to me for support, It sounds selfish but I felt like I needed a bit of support and advice in how to handle the talks we were gonna have, I’m so glad to have people I can talk to too. We’ve talked about it in great length since and to be honest it doesn’t change anything we just have to keep plodding along, live life to the full, not get down about it and get her on that transplant list when the time is right, not too soon and not too late. I’ll be there for her all the way through and she knows that 🙂
Love you dudey xxx

I always come back…..

Published March 22, 2013 by Clarebear

Life just got in the way or I’m lazy… I’ll go for the latter! So lots has been going on in my world. I got my first paid job in years and walked out of it…. I went on my first brownie camp, then left brownies (I’m regretting it a bit, I was there 2 years!)…. I started college in september and am thinking of leaving. Yep a pattern is emerging here I’m just not happy! I have done a 360 and have changed my mind I can’t ignore the fact nursing/caring is for me. So enough procrastinating and time to get on with it!

My lungs are ok, nothing to complain about, my last emergency admission was 2 years ago, a new record for me! lets keep it going. In other health related issues I have gallstones, I’ve had them for years, the pain was unbearable I diagnosed myself years ago. The pain went away and for a few years I forgot they were there. Recently I’ve put on a bit of weight which we all know is a huge factor in these things. All my rapid weight loses and gains were sure to cause me harm somehow one day. I was sick, thought nothing of it, had a bit of pain but not like it used to be. The next day I couldn’t even lift my head off the pillow. The fatigue was nothing like I’d experienced before, I just wanted to sleep. After a few days I went to the drs, that morning I’d googled a few of the symptoms I had, and came up with jaundice! I’m not yellow I thought! Well apparently you can be jaundice and not yellow, who knew! I explained the symptoms to my GP she also thought gallstones and wanted me to go for a blood test straight away and a scan. Well she rang me that night very concerned my liver function was terrible, go to hospital if anything changes, its serious! Uh oh ok :/ luckily I improved, what seems to have happened is one of the stones blocked a bile duct temporarily, it could have got worse but thankfully it didn’t! I had the scan, yep all confirmed gallstones, just waiting to hear from hospital now. So lucky me I have surgery in my near future, great fun :/

I’m off to Wales next week, it’s all very exciting! with my man 😉 now that’s for another post ❤

Pips all good, annoying as ever and slightly crazy hehe. Life just seems to plod along as always!


Clarebear 🙂

Worlds worst blogger!

Published September 18, 2012 by Clarebear

Yes I win that award!! Wow so yep its been 3 months since my last post. To say I have had a good summer is a understaement it has been absolutely fan bloody tastic! My holiday was the best ever, it seems like so long ago now! I cam home with a very nice tan and very relaxed. It was such a lovely 10 days full of sun, alcohol and far too much food that was constantly on offer but very yummy! Lanzarote is a really interesting island, we did a tour of the island and learnt a lot.

I then visited my family 2 weeks later. Me and pip had more time relaxing, the weather was awesome and I had plenty of time to top up my tan and read fifty shades. Yes I too got hooked on it unfortunately. Lots of walks in the country and catching up with family. I did however miss home a tad, I think it was a bad idea going so soon after my hols.

A few weeks later bring on the V fest! totally epic weekend! I can’t describe how awesome it was!!! The weather was perfect again but too perfect it was sooooo hot, getting drunk at 11am was a good idea as it made the heat bearable. We had so much fun chilling watching the bands drinking ourselves into a stupor. Emma and Annie were fab people to go with 🙂 The bands were all really good and the most memorable night was the sunday. I have always been a huge Snow Patrol fan and when they came on I was in tears! Don’t know why they just started flowing. My fave song of theirs is Run and I was just sobbed uncontrollably through it! We got right stuck in when the headliners came on and danced our arse off to the killers. Getting covered in god knows what as cups full of whatever were flung around. It was the best weekend ever! Home on the monday I was totally shattered and very smelly!!!

Theres been so many more fun times over the summer, babyshowers, get togethers with friends, it has been a summer to remember 😀 Big news is I’m off to college to study Swedish Massage therapy! Different I know but can’t be bothered to say why right now.

I’ll leave it there for now I have so much more news but not ready to say just yet 🙂


Busy few weeks

Published June 26, 2012 by Clarebear

I go on holiday this week! So excited and kinda scared too, don’t ask me why I’m scared :/ The last few days have been a mixture of emotions, from panic to feeling apprehensive about today to excitement about my holiday!

I had a total panic when my usual dog sitter let me down with a week to go, he’s sorted now but I can’t help feeling a little worried about him. Then to today, it was Beryls funeral. At the grand old age of 27 I, surprisingly have never been to a funeral till today. It was a beautiful service and very fitting to beryl. The place was packed it just goes to show how many people beryl touched throughout her life. I’m glad I went.

I’m in a bit of a pre holiday panic just hoping everything goes right and lungs behave, meds, clothes etc are sorted! I was so confused yesterday I forgot my pin code to my bank card I use everyday and ended up locking it after incorrectly entering my pin. My brain has finally broken!

So the last few weeks have been busy, I have now left AUK and have been at a bit of a loss as what to do with my time, having my hols to focus on has filled that gap for now. The annual AUK ball was fab! I dressed up and had the job of looking after a couple of tables, taking donations and getting people to cough up for auction prizes. The amount of money people were handing over to me I was scared I’d drop it or something! The evening raised over £125,000 is that enough noughts for a thousand, anyhoo it was such an amazing evening! It was a bit different to last year as I of course was a guest and then a volunteer this year. I think I enjoyed volunteering more than being a guest!

Last weekend Emma came to stay and we had a fun weekend chilaxing, we brought a tent for V! Eeeek that’s something else to look forward to! Always nice to have guests to stay 🙂

Can’t really think of anything else? Just my usual seeing friends and drunken weekends seeing bands and drinking too much 😉 I think 10 days of free alcohol on holiday I’ll need a week in rehab after! God help my liver…..I may blog on my hols, 10 days lounging around the pool/on the beach I’ll have plenty of time!



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